Time-Sensitive, Breathalyzer-activated credit cards:

More specifically, a system whereby online credit card purchases made after 2 a.m. local time cannot be processed without the would-be purchaser taking a state-certified breathalyzer test and passing said test with a BAC level lower than the maximum allowed to operate a motor vehicle in the would-be purchaser's home state.

Time-sensitive, breathalyzer-activated credit cards can significantly reduce the occurrence of, what experts in the industry call, "what the" purchases. "What the" purchases are typically items and services that, when seen for the first time upon delivery, make the purchaser audibly exclaim "WHAT THE (insert regret-laced expletive here)!?!"

Examples of "what the" purchases might be:

A. ...oh, I don't know...say...a pair of tickets to a college football game 1600 miles from where I...I mean the purchaser, the purchaser...where the purchaser lives.

B. Or, say, a trio of first-class airline tickets for non-stop international travel purchased prior to confirming availability with all relevant traveling and hosting parties.

C. A no-money down $37,000 car loan through my...I mean the PUR-CHA-SERS...credit card company.

D. Pain medication from Costa Rican pharmaceutical distributors.

E. Porn. LOTS AND LOTS of Porn.

Posted by nils at 8:34 PM

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