Beating a Dead Horse - February 16, 2006

In contemplating the idiosynracies of airport workers, I realized how completely different American airport workers are from those in other countries. I thought for quite some time about that and could not, for the life of me, come up with a reason for the difference. It got me thinking about some of the unexplained quirks of American culture.

I have lived all but 2 years of my life in this country. I've visited every state but North Dakota (I don't think that requires explanation) and I've spent significant time in at least a dozen of those states. In spite of all that, I fear there will always be things about this place that I will never understand. I've tried to drill down into the psyche of the average American to understand why he is so eager to form a line behind any two people standing together, even when there is nothing obvious to stand in line for. I will never get how anyone not born in the tri-state area could ever, EVER like the New York Yankees. And as hard as I try, I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my brain around the American aversion to sex with the dead.

To be clear, I am not condoning the sort of posthumous coitus that requires stealing a body from a morgue or absconding with a family friend from the viewing at the funeral home. If I am anything, I am a believer in the rule of law, and stealing is just plain wrong. But what about wives or girlfriends or the homeless? I'm sure I don't need to tell you that if I ever stumble upon the lifeless body of some hot little teen runaway, you can bet your ass I'm going to tuck her away somewhere until I can come back for her. Leopards pull their kill up into trees to keep it away from hyenas. I drag dead teen runaways behind hotel dumpsters to keep them away from deadsex poachers. It's the law of the jungle, really.

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about either! It's just like when you were younger and you would go to Tower Records or Barnes & Noble, find a CD or a book you wanted, and then hide it in a completely different section so no one would snatch it up in the time it took you to run home, con your mom out of $20, and run back. The next time you find a dead homeless chick in a dumpster and want to pass judgment, resist the urge for a second and remember that time you hid "The Chronic" in the World Music section. Same difference.

The wives and girlfriends thing is truly the most perplexing part. You had sex with them all the time when they were alive because you were physically attracted to them and you loved them. You didn't have sex with them just because they were alive. Why should your sex life have to suffer just because she's not alive anymore? You still love her and she's still hot...well, not literally...and that's all that should matter. I refuse to bend to the will of this stodgy, puritanical sexual ethos.

The negative opinions of sex with the dead I have encountered with respect to girlfriends all adopt some variant of the slippery slope argument. "If you let people have sex with their dead girlfriends, you're opening the door to sex with dead friends, dead acquaintances, dead clients..." Any attempt at a rebuttal is met with something like, "what's next?! Sex with dead children?!" You see, that's where I draw the line. How do you have a thoughtful, legitimate policy debate with someone who runs around telling everyone the sky is falling? For the last time, I am not advocating sex with dead children. If anything, I think awareness, legalization, and promotion of sex with the dead will create institutional checks against that sort of pedonecrophilia. For your information, I follow the old adage, "if there's grass on the field, play ball." Just because the grass is dead, doesn't mean it's not suitable for a ballgame.

The only argument I have found compelling is one that involves the woman having donated her body to science. She has made it expressly known that once she dies, she would like her body to be properly maintained until a reputable scientific organization can take possession of her corpse and utilize it for the advancement of science and, in some small way, the betterment of all mankind. Nearly as important from a public policy perspective, no medical school student paying $40k a year to get an education should be expected to deal with an 8 month old pool of crusted semen when he or she cuts open the woman's stomach for the first time. Nor should they be responsible for the detection and removal of things like flash-bang grenades and room service-sized ketchup bottles from her colon.

The lesson to be learned, obviously, is to make your intentions perfectly clear in your will as to what you would like to be done with your body upon your death. Science is an option, as is cremation or immediate burial. However, if your love for your husband or boyfriend or life partner is as deep and abiding as you claim it to be, you might want to consider letting him have custody of you for a period of time after your death. It won't be forever of course since you'll start to stink and everything, but that is something for your significant other to deal with.

Ultimately, I'm tired of being judged. I'm not a thief or a pedophile. I pay my taxes and I vote. The seemingly uncomfortable fact that I prefer my women like I prefer my gazpacho should not detract from any of that. I can't stop you from making your snap value judgments, but you won't know a goddamn thing until you have walked a mile in my deadsex shoes.

Posted by nils at 8:05 AM

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Comments

i just read beating the dead horse. you just made my day man. nothing like a little wake and bake and something mind bending to get the day going. thanks man

Posted by: greg at February 16, 2006 09:04 AM

Jeez. First you all complain about a sex partner that doesn't show some level of enthusiasm. The "dead fish" if you will. Now you're advocating deadsex partners?!? What's a girl to do!
...hilarious post. Only YOU.

Posted by: G. at February 16, 2006 10:23 AM

OMFG! Here I was expecting an airport worker post, come to find out you are some necrophiliac. Actually, I don't believe you (*shocking*), but seriously, that ex-gf thing really did jack with your head. Wow!

Posted by: Ex-Addict at February 16, 2006 10:39 AM

God damn I miss you. Well done.

Posted by: Katie at February 16, 2006 12:36 PM

Well, that definatly was something. But I do have a suggestion. I'm guessing that a hot dead teen would dry out in a dumpster(I dont mean her whole body)Anyhow, I think it would be a good idea to use some warming lube while having sex with said cadaver. I've never been a fan of gazpatcho.

Posted by: General_Ass at February 16, 2006 12:40 PM

Excellent post.

"The lesson to be learned, obviously, is to make your intentions perfectly clear in your will as to what you would like to be done with your body upon your death."

I understand the idea of spelling out what should be done once you're dead. However, last thing you want is a Terry Schaivo situation, where for all pratical matters she is dead, but yet alive. I applaud you for taking the issue of necrophilia up, which is all good. But, what about the comatose? This is a grey zone that also needs promotion.

The hospital equipment along with bed pans may make things a bit uncomfortable, but as long as it's spelled out, there shouldn't be any problems. With all those tubes down her throat, she probably won't even have a gag reflex anymore. Now THAT is sacrifice. Making love may even jump start her engine. You see, I fear that people who overlook this may be rushed to the underworld, since their will gives free reign on sexual activies after death.

Additionally, not only should one spell out whether or not they can have sex post mortum, but what activities you can engage in. Will she care about a good skull fuck? It won't kill her now. The devil is always in the details.

Posted by: Sanku at February 16, 2006 12:51 PM

what the FUCK

Posted by: Miller at February 16, 2006 05:25 PM

I think the only thing worse than being judged for the "deed with the dead" is being judged for "not wearing pants to church."

Stop keeping the man down.

Posted by: Buh at February 16, 2006 05:26 PM

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love Nils.

Christ man, that was about the most unbelievable post I have read of yours. Don't get me wrong, I liked the umbrella one too, but this one is simply over the top.

The line: "removal of things like flash-bang grenades and room service-sized ketchup bottles from her colon," had me actually laughing out loud in my office. The admin had to come check on me.

- SkiGuy

Posted by: SkiGuy at February 16, 2006 05:50 PM

fuckin awesome man, but still extremely disturbing.

Posted by: Thingamajig at February 16, 2006 06:16 PM

I like to think of myself as an open-minded person. Thanks for making me realize how narrow minded I was about the entire subject. Now, thanks to you, I kinda HOPE that someone close to me assumes room temperature this very weekend. Even if she is only marginally hot, I'm nailing her just to "break the ice", so to speak.

Posted by: LarryGUNZ at February 17, 2006 11:09 AM

Is this your way of creating a trail of justification for killing your ex so you can have her carnally again? If so, it seems flawless. Just remember to keep lube handy. Them dead broads don't juice up like the live ones. And if they are, it means they've gone sour. And having sex with a rotting dead girl is just disgusting.

Posted by: Frisco Kid at February 17, 2006 02:37 PM

I don't get how anyone can like the fucking New York Yankees either, they fucking suck.

Posted by: SomeDudeAnywhere at February 17, 2006 06:15 PM

fucking WOW. This is some of the funniest shit I've EVER heard. I remember having a similar discussion with someone at my college library, and we were talking pretty loud. At one point, I was like, "Well, but a dead chick would suck at sex because she just sits there" We got kicked out shortly, cause some bitch complained that we were saying disturbing things or something like that.

Posted by: mike at February 18, 2006 09:22 AM

Nice work, although I find it pretty closed-minded of you that you didn't even touch on the subject of sex with dead animals. Beat a dead horse until he's sufficiently tender and puckered, I always say.

Posted by: Jack of Spades at February 18, 2006 05:23 PM

Absolutely hillarious. Fucking off-the-wall weird. But good stuff, none the less.

Do you have a book deal?

Posted by: Everard at February 18, 2006 11:38 PM

That was fantastic.
One question...
If your friend found your dead girlfriend, and fucked her, would it be considered cheating?
I mean, she never said, "No."...

Posted by: Jeremy at February 19, 2006 06:30 PM

Oh, and by the way. My girlfriend and I actually had the comatose conversation several days ago. She said if she ever goes into a coma, I am to fuck her till she wakes up. Just thought I would share.

Posted by: Jeremy at February 19, 2006 06:35 PM

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Posted by: ע��۹�˾ at February 20, 2006 08:41 AM

U R ONE FUCKED UP DUDE... THATS DISCUSTING!!! but u do wut u gotta do as long as u aint fucking my dead ass...

Posted by: seabass at February 20, 2006 12:03 PM

Seabass, I wouldn't fuck your dead ass unless a) we were dating, b) you were homeless and I found you first, or c) I had your express consent.

This is a morally and legally founded policy I am advocating here. I'm not an animal.

Posted by: DrunkRex at February 20, 2006 12:55 PM

you are a brilliant writer, but that whole thing just gave me the hebbie-jeebies.

Posted by: Annabelle at February 20, 2006 07:10 PM

and I can't even spell heebie-jeebie. sheesh.

Posted by: Annabelle at February 20, 2006 07:11 PM

You are taking this whole "first in time" thing from property pretty seriously when you describe how to lay claim on a newly deceased woman. Now here is the ultimate question.....if you came upon a dead body in the desert that was being eaten by a vulture, would you try and work a threesome with the bird and the dead broad?

A menage a vulturi corpus trois????

Posted by: Property at February 20, 2006 07:24 PM

Hahahahahahahaha. "This is a morally and legally founded policy I'm advocating here ..." God I love how your mind works.

Posted by: Jessica at February 20, 2006 07:54 PM

Formaldehyde is a hell of a drug, especially injested via dead vagina.

Posted by: cd1111 at February 20, 2006 10:40 PM

Wow. Just wow. The undeniable comedic genius of that post is evident, but I am going to assume you were extremely fucked up when that pearl of enlightenment oozed from your brain. Keep posting.

Posted by: Brian at February 25, 2006 12:22 PM

Wow, thats disturbing, really disturbing... But I get it, you know, about the dead grass, I mean, people play on Astroturf. I'm gonna suggest a formaldehyde bath to keep her(it is a her, right?!) moist. Oh, yeah, this is hypothetical... my bad.

Posted by: Stonzey at May 5, 2006 05:27 PM