Drunk Dial Disaster - July 10, 2005
Last night I drifted to sleep around 11:30 upon the soothing wave of words from Dr. Drew's monotone STD advice and Adam Corolla's gravelly indignation. I was unceremoniously yanked from my descent into REM sleep about 15 minutes later by the buzzing of my cell phone on the nightstand. It was my friend Becca. I answered...foolishly.
In that short period during which I am drifting into sleep, I am more vulnerable than a baby bird. If I were the Prime Minister of Israel and pulled out of my creeping slumber by a phone call from Yasser Arafat, it would not be unlikely that the Palestinians would have a State by morning. When Becca called I thought she was my ex-girlfried Kate, I thought I was in D.C., and I was convinced she was being chased. That last bit made me shoot straight up in my bed.
Over the next 90 seconds, I was able to get my bearings and realize that she was not, in fact, Kate nor was she being chased. Rather, it just sounded that way because she was drunk and she was talking a mile a minute. This is when I knew I was in trouble...yet I stayed on the phone. FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS! Like a baby bird, I swear. Becca had just returned from an evening of drinking with her friend Sabrina and Sabrina's boyfriend Dan.
Sabrina is a nice enough girl. I've only hung out with her a couple times--both of which I spent surreptitiously examining her eyebrows...which she had ruthlessly plucked like a self-loathing cutter. Both times I've hung out around her she had them penciled back in like someone just told her a childhood friend was coming to visit. During our sporadic conversations, she usually had something interesting to say. Which was good. Dan, her boyfriend, however, did not. Which was bad. Dan is an ex-Marine turned lawyer (all of them are lawyers in fact). I've only met him once and immediately got the sense that he didn't want to be there and was in a race against the hands of his watch to get the hell out.
Becca and I have been pretty good friends for the last few years. We are actually quite different in a number of pretty important respects, but we have a good time when we hang out. We go to Warriors games and jokingly mock the poor minorities in the upper deck who can't afford tickets in "the lower bowl." We go to movies--less to enjoy a good film and more as an opportunity for me to offer a running commentary on the crappiness of actors specifically and American cinema generally. And, we hook up every once in awhile--usually when one or both of us has been drinking. This is where things get sticky...figuratively you sick fuck.
Becca likes me. No, I mean she LIKES me, likes me. It's pretty obvious to casual observers and it's an issue that we have never really dealt with head on. After we hook up, nothing is said about it...at least not until she gets drunk and brings it up in passing with something like "every time we hook up I think we should have a talk, but..."
She knows I'm not interested in a romantic relationship by virtue of the fact that I have dated women during our friendship and have not done anything that can be perceived, even remotely, as boyfriend-like. I think Becca also knows that--even if I was interested--the major differences I alluded to above would render it over before it ever got started. She has, I believe, accepted that we are always going to be, to borrow a cliche, "just friends." Unfortunately, the romantic feelings she had/has and the expectations she has for relationships of any type between men and women were poisoning her perspective on our friendship.
Not having dealt with this issue directly--the nature of our friendship being the crux of it--came to a head last night. I was groggy as shit, but even I could sense that it was coming. Like the collapse of the Dolphins in December or the A's in Game 5 of a first round playoff series, it was inevitable.
It started with Becca asking me why I think Dan never tells Sabrina how much he likes her and spiraled downhil from there This is a pretty accurate paraphrase of the pertinent parts of our conversation:
B: What's wrong with men do they not think about these things do they not have these feelings are they just cold human beings who don't have or express emotion why doesn't Dan tell Sabrina how much he adores her I mean I see her every day and we tell each other constantly how much we adore each other why doesn't he do that is that just a guy thing do guys think it's gay or something
Drunk: Wait. What?
B: Well they've been together for quite awhile now and he's never said anything about how he feels about her not once and Sabrina is sit left wondering with no idea I mean what IS that do YOU do that you DO you DO DO THAT what's wrong with you you never tell ME how much you like ME I think I can count on one hand the number of times you've complimented me or said something nice to me
Drunk: You're my friend. They're in a relationship. Expressing things like that are things you do in relationships.
B: And we're NOT in a relationship what do you call us then
Drunk: We're friends
B: THAT'S NOT A RELATIONSHP!!?!
Drunk: Of course it is, but it's not a romantic relationship like Sabrina and Dan.
B: So what, it's still a relationship and I'd like some goddamn appreciation for picking up your poo-stained sandals in my driveway, washing them off, and bringing them to work with me
Drunk: Wait. What?
B: YOUR POO SANDALS! THE ONES YOU LEFT IN MY DRIVEWAY FOR ME TO CLEAN UP! Do you even care that I picked them up and cleaned them do you even care about the shoes
Drunk: Of course I don't care about the shoes, that's why I threw them out of my car when I drove away
B: SEE! AND I WANT SOME GODDAMN APPRECIATION FOR THAT
At this point, we launched into a good 20 minute conversation about whether I cared about the poo sandals or if I was capable of caring about anything at all. Yeah, that was fun. Then, of course, it came back around to what was really bothering Becca.
B: Look Neen, this isn't about us this is about Sabrina and Dan but since you've made it about us I want to know why you can't tell me you adore me. I adore you and I tell you practically every time I see you
Drunk: Yeah, and I hate it every time.
B: What? Why? That's what people do in relationships. They tell each other how much they care about each other how much they like each other how much they adore each other.
Drunk: First of all, we're in a friendship not a relationship as most people intend it to mean. Second
B: Well? It's true isn't it before last Friday you never asked me to do something before I did. I can count on one hand the number of times just like I can count on one hand the number of times you've said something nice about me
Drunk: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? A 7th GRADE PISSING CONTEST!? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP SCORE WITH FRIENDS! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND HAVING A GOOD TIME WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH INDICATION THAT OH, I DON'T KNOW, I FUCKING LIKE YOU AND THINK YOU ARE A COOL PERSON! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
This little outburts was followed by a lengthy silence. I don't know if Becca had just temporarily passed out or she was gathering herself inside her little foxhole of denial.
Drunk: I never have to deal with shit like this with my friends. We hang out because we want to. Unlike most women who actually can't fucking stand each other, we talk and do things because SURPRISE we actually like to spend time with each other. I have never told a single one of my friends that " I adore them" or that "I really like them." You know why? Because it's understood. Friendship is about actions. They know how I feel because we hang out. Because I am there for them when shit goes down. Because WE'RE GODDAMN FUCKING REAL LIFE FRIENDS
B: Oh what, so now I'm not a friend see you said you don't have to put up with stuff like this with your friends implying that since you are putting up with it from me that I am not a friend
Drunk: Pardon me for not using a fucking modifier at 12:45 in the morning and tired as hell. I don't have to deal with this with my other friends. My other friends seem to be fine with how we conduct our friendships because everything's all good from where we're standing.
B: Look, friendship is about doing things for each other. It's about sometimes doing something you don't want to do because they want it. It's about changing your diction because the other person likes it.
Drunk: Becca, friendship is distinctly NOT about those things. I am your friend in spite of those things I may not like or might want to change in an ideal world. Being your friend, I would never ask you to do something you didn't want to do. Shit, right now you are asking me to change how I conduct my friendships. I would never do that. I am going to be your friend in spite of realizing that I am going to have to deal with little drunken emotional outbursts like this from you. I understand that being your friend involves accepting the whole fucking package--the good and the bad. I recognize that there is a lot more good about you as it relates to our friendship that there is bad.
B: No! No! No! As my friend if I tell you that every now and again I want you to tell me that you adore me because I like how it feels then you should as my friend do it not only should you do it but you should want to do it.
Drunk: Don't hold your breath. Becca what you are asking from me is to emotionally coddle you. Validate your role and presence in our relationship
B: NO I'M NOT!
Drunk: Yes you are, that's exactly what you are doing. You are unwilling to accept that like normal functional friends the fact that we spend a lot of time together and do stuff is a good enough indication that I like you and think you are a good person. That is not my problem. That's your own dysfunction and something that you'll have to deal with. I am going to conduct my friendships the way I always have and the way I do with my other friends. You can accept that or can't. I accept that you want me to change how I approach things and I am not going to ask you to change that. You just need to understand that you won't budge me. So this will be a source of conflict if and when it comes up again.
B: I just don't see why you can't do this for me
Drunk: It's just not natural. It's not something I do. I don't spend time with my friends shooting the shit or drinking or doing shit and then say "I really like you Don. I think you're great." HOW FUCKING WEIRD IS THAT! Where do you go from there? What real purpose does it serve? It totally short-circuits normal conversation. I can't think of a single conversation I've had with a friend over the last 5 years where that kind of sentiment would fit naturally into the conversation.
B: So what! It makes the other person feel good shows you're thinking about them that you care that you're HUMAN
Drunk: Normal conversation and interaction between friends is like a long tennis volley. Somebody kicks off the interaction--serves if you will. Every succeeding shot, while capable of being judged singularly on its merits, is affected and partially defined by the fact that it's a response to the previous one.
B: Well I guess, but it would depend ultimately on whether it was being played on grass or clay...
Drunk: I'm done here
So much for functional male-female platonic relationships. No more hook-ups for Becca. And I'm never answering my phone when I'm in bed ever again.
Posted by nils at 8:25 PM
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