Happy New Year, Bitches - January 1, 2006

I have never been one for New Year's Eve parties. They are, as one friend put it, amateur hour for nitwits and douchebags. Nothing could be less appealing to me than paying $150 to spend 4 hours wading through sweaty idiots in striped shirts and Men's Warehouse blazers in the vain hope of reaching the bar for a watered down Vodka-Whatever served by a no-assed chubby girl in a black, sequined belly shirt who makes sure as many guys as possible are watching when she pulls her church key from its unfortunate resting place between her studded belt and her no-ass crack.

Therefore, I decided to spend New Year's Eve 2005/6 in my mother's family room under an afghan playing Free Cell and researching NFL games. Dinner? Kentucky Fried Chicken. Drinks? Diet Pepsi AND Diet Coke with Lime. For fun I go down into my mother's basement and sweep out the 3" of standing water left by a string of storms that have battered the California coast. I guess I could go to a local bar or find a house party, but I'm not wearing any pants and that's a pretty big barrier to entry.

While I don't really give a shit, I do understand that a lot of people look at the New Year as a time for resolutions and new beginnings. People resolve to get in shape and watch what they eat. They take advantage of the reduced initiation fee being offered at every gym in the continental United States and sign up for a year membership. 98% go everyday for a month and then stop going altogether because of some lame-ass excuse that either involves work, an injured body part, or substance dependency.

Most last a little longer when it comes to watching their diet. After all, it's easier to starve one's self than to exert one's self. They falter when they realize that Valentine's Day is next week and, despite their efforts at the gym, still no one loves them. This is the point where all those other secondary resolutions get flushed down the shitter. Saving money, spending more time with the family, mending fences with lost friends. All of them get doused by the gasoline of guilt and self-pity and set aflame by a week-long drinking and spending binge with similary situated failures they call friends. You thought Vegas was booked solid on Presidents Day Weekend because people felt like celebrating a bunch of dead white guys? Hardly.

I am not completely without the spirit of the new year, however. That's why I decided to come up with a list of my own realistic resolutions for the coming year. They are in no particular order and I make no assurances that I will follow any of them for any significant length of time

1. Be Less Lazy:
This is my version of the Get In Shape Resolution. It is well-documented amongst my family and friends that I am prone to epic periods of laziness. When I was 11 I told my mom that if it were legal I would ride my bike to first base after Ball 4 rather than walk. When I was 16, if...IF...my mom could convince me to go to the market for a couple things, I would drive. The market is a block and a half from my front door. You can reach it with a 5-iron. My junior year in college, I accumulated at least 100 parking tickets for red, yellow, and white zone violations because I refused to park anywhere other than the block on which my house sat. At least half of them doubled in price because I was too lazy to pull them from under the windshield wiper and take them inside. Instead, I got in the car, turned on the wipers, hit the washer fluid button until the ticket envelope was soaked, and turned up the speed of the wipers until the ticket flew off. Currently I live less than a mile from school and I estimate I have spent over $200 this past semester on $6 cab rides from home to school. Do the math on that one.

All that being said, 2006 will be a year of walking to school and expeditiously paid parking tickets and credit card bills. I will stick to my guns on this until the first weekday hangover of the semester at which point I will not be able to guarantee anything. What I can tell you is that Green Taxi Company is #61 in my phone and they know me by voice.

2. Stop Wasting Money
Most people resolve to save money. Baby steps. The first thing I have to do is commit myself to not pissing it away. What does that mean, exactly? It means no more open tabs at the bar across from school when there are more than 2 people involved. If I do start a tab and drink until I'm stupid, I CANNOT take a cab home and logon to my online sportsbook. When that happens, I end up depositing $2000 into my account and blowing it on blackjack or Portuguese soccer. It sounds excessively wasteful on its face, believe me, I know. Now consider that I have done that on more than a few occassions.

More importantly, I must stop chasing losses with 2nd Half NCAA Over/Unders. If you are a girl, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about even though I'm almost certain you've been witness to it. Have you ever been hanging out with your boyfriend or a male friend around 11:30pm and they are screaming incomprehensibly at the television or the computer about two teams you've never heard of because one or both of them can't make a tackle or hit a free throw? That gutteral, otherworldly screaming you heard was the sound of a man who has temporarily lost control and has committed himself to making up for gambling losses earlier in the day by wagering on anything still left on the board. Last year, after a particularly bad weekend near the end of the NFL season, I bet on the 1st half and 2nd half Over/Unders for a college basketball game between Portland and the University of San Diego. I have to stop doing that.

3. Study Better
It does not count as studying just because you decided to do your gambling research in the library. I have to start opening my books and closing my laptop. I spent the last three weeks of this past semester cramming an entire Contracts course into my brain because I spent the previous fifteen pouring over NFL and NCAA websites.

4. Write More
I could have filed this one under Laziness but it deserves its own resolution. This is a resolution I intend to keep if for no other reason than I need something to fall back on when I finally come to my senses and realize I don't actually want to "work" in the legal industry. This is something I have yet to truly come to grips with because it scares me shitless and because law school sponsors many events at which free liquor is available. I'm all for personal accountability, but professional accountability is a standard to which I would prefer not to be held...particularly in an industry that has a Moral Character Exam. Ruh-roh.

5. Watch More "Charles in Charge" Reruns
I Love the 80s is on and they just showed a clip of Nichole Eggert from her "Charles in Charge" days. It is imperative that I set the TiVo to record any and all occurrences of this television program. Any show that simultaneously launched the career of a future Baywatch star, kept Scott Baio and Ellen Travolta relevant, and was the vehicle for Buddy's decent into addiction is one that requires repeated viewing.

That's about all I can confidently say I am willing to resolve to accomplish. Mindful of my previous qualification regarding no guarantees, I am setting my mind to a resoundingly productive 2006. And Fuck Stanfurd.

Posted by nils at 12:01 AM

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Comments

Nicely done. Some would consider this a loser NYE, but not me. You did what you wanted to do and stuck to it. Your Resolutions don't suck either, they're actually quite good and not the least bit lame.

Posted by: Seanny Rotten at January 1, 2006 07:07 PM

"doused by the gasoline of guilt and self-pity and set aflame by a week-long drinking and spending binge with similary situated failures they call friends."

Hilarious. It really puts the corn in my stool whenever I check your site and nothing's been updated. Definitely write more.

Posted by: laminatedgrandpa at January 1, 2006 08:01 PM

Nice my friend. I hate it when your busy and can't write...I laugh a little less.

\SG

Posted by: SoylentGreen at January 1, 2006 11:38 PM

Why does it seem that most people who can actually write, and write well, choose to waste time and go to law school? Is this is just some feeble attempt to try to 'make' something more of ourselves, instead of just being happy playing the smart-ass sarcastic role? The type that could truly be happy writing about our exploits out among the trisomy 21ers? Why can't we just be paid handsomely for our commentaries on life?

Posted by: babyblubelle at January 2, 2006 08:35 AM

I'm so happy you updated. You are one of my favorite writers.

Posted by: Anonymous at January 3, 2006 08:12 PM

you forgot... "spend more time in Park City, Utah."

Posted by: Pebbles at January 4, 2006 01:23 PM

I've seriously checked your blog probably fifty times over the course of the past four months, hoping against hope that you'd updated. Thank you for rewarding number fifty one.

And the 'doused by gasoline' line is an instant classic, but personally, I laughed harder at the 'Professional Ethics Exam' ruh-roh. Then again, I have the mentality of a four year old, so I'm an easy crowd if you throw in a Scooby reference.

Posted by: Ted at January 6, 2006 02:35 AM

Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, Birthdays and more are times of the year when people spend a lot of money for no real reason. I agree with what you say here and will add to it that we are all being commercially manipulated into believing that we must, without argument, accept that we are showing an apprciation to a society that cares for us in a very profound way. WRONGGGG!!! We are merely being shown that we are slaves to the commercialist society that doesn't give a shit weather we live or die it only cares if, at any point in our pointless existence, we had any money and if we contributed that money to useless govournments that fuck everything up. I lost my point somewhere in my damn ramblings lol

Posted by: Swift Resolution at January 6, 2006 06:41 AM

Hey, if it weren't for Buddy's decent into addiction, he could have never pulled himself out of it by finding God and making the classic "Bible Man" series of children's programming. Humanity's evolution of the past millenia was obviously directed towards this end...

Posted by: Matt at January 7, 2006 06:09 PM