I've been spending the last few days with my cousins up in north Jersey. Because of work, I haven't seen them in almost two years so I was caught by surprise with how much bigger and more articulate and more savvy all of them were. There are three girls: Christen (almost 11), Lauren (9), and Ellen (4). I was there when Christen was born back in '93 so we have kind of a special bond. Lauren is the super smart one, so I always test her on things. She hasn't been wrong yet. And Ellen is my goddaughter--so I get to spoil her whenever I'm around. Over the last three days, these girls have said some of the funniest, truest shit I have ever heard. Here's a sampling:

--we were all in the pool on Saturday afternoon doing flips and handstands. I did a handstand and when I came up from under water Ellen, the 4 year old, yelled at the top of her lungs:

"Neeny-boy, you have a super-duper gigantic monster weiner!"

I have no idea where she came up with that because I had long black basketball shorts on when I did the handstand and only my thighs and lower legs were out of the water. Regardless, I nearly drowned laughing--which was the worst thing I could have done. She picked up on it, understood why I was laughing, and took it to the next level:

"Neeny-boy, your weiner is the size of the HOUSE! Neeny-boy, your weiner is the size of the whole backyard! Neeny-boy, your weiner is the size of New Jersey!"

Ellen is smart.

--later that evening we were about to sit down to dinner when Christen chimed in with a killer smackdown. Her dad--my Uncle Rob--came in from outside with meat from off the grill. He set it on the counter and kissed my Aunt Sharon. Just then Christen entered the kitchen and saw them kissing. Her reaction was quick and fierce:

"Daddy, what are you doing? How can you kiss mommy like that. Look at how big her butt and her belly are getting. It's gross!"

I nearly fell out of my chair. Rob tried to scold her but couldn't do it effectively because the smile on his face was too big. Sharon got beet-red and finished preparing the mashed potatoes. The next morning Sharon got up early, hit the stairmaster, did some crunches, and had a Slimfast for breakfast.

11yr old - 1
41yr old - ZERO!

Lauren, the middle girl, is absolutely adorable and frighteningly smart. She's quick-witted and she sees through people's bullshit better than some 25 year-olds I know. She's not the sports type, or the clothes type, but she likes animals and loves bugs. Yesterday afternoon I took her and Christen to see a movie and during the drive I asked her if she liked any boys in her class. This was her response:

"Neeny-boy, boys are like bugs. They're fun to play with until they do something to annoy you and then you want to squish them to death."

I've taken to calling Lauren the "Black Widow." Not surprisingly, she loves the new name.

Posted by nils at 9:12 PM

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