Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory - January 8, 2006

If you recall just a few short days ago I resolved, among other things, to stop wasting so much goddamn money. I outlined two of the more egregious ways I have wasted money over the last calendar year and what I must do to avoid extending that trend through the back-9 of my 20s. Well 2006 is barely a week old and I have already failed in spectacular fashion. The completeness of my failure is so remarkable that I would be remiss were I to simply shut off my cell phone, make a big ass box of Macaroni & Cheese, and watch whatever comes on The Super Station like I normally do when I'm nursing a viscious hangover. Instead, in a nod to the therapeutic capacity of the written word, I figured I would rehash the finer moments of my complete lack of self-control for the benefit of those who take pleasure in the misery and misfortune of others.

The first thing to understand is that on Wednesday I took USC and the Under. If you are a gambler you know that means Vegas, or in this case St. Kitts, took my money, rolled it up real nice and fucked me in the butt with it.

I watched the National Championship game in a dingy Berkeley apartment with a few friends I hadn't seen in awhile. The apartment was masterfully appointed with maps of random countries and furniture that was either handed down from previous tenants or...how shall we say...appropriated from one of several on-campus student housing facilities. The environmentally and economically friendly decor was rounded out by a sea empty PBR cans, broken bong stems, and cracked whip-its to give it that 'lived-in, welcome-home' kinda feeling. Naturally, we spent the better part of the game adding to the collection of crumpled aluminum. By the middle of the 3rd quarter, the floor looked like the bottom of a homeless man's shopping cart.

This kind of drinking coupled with nary a crumb to eat were to be the first step on my very own New Year's Resolution Slippery Slope.

My bets started to go south with about 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter. That was the point at which, it seems, Vince Young and the entire USC defense conspired to fuck anyone who felt even remotely comfortable with their wagers after USC's second touchdown of the half put them up by 12. There are only so many times one can watch a 6'5" antelope of a man run around the field converting 3rd down-and-forever before one must come to grips with the inevitably of an excruciating loss.

Everyone deals with that moment differently. A friend of mine swears off sports gambling forever, until next week. I manically fiddle with my money or the pending wagers in my online sportsbook account. A couple years ago in Vegas for the Super Bowl I wouldn't stop counting my wad of cash while watching the day's college basketball games. At the blackjack table, I incessantly tabulated my chip total. My friend Will told me I looked like Marc Summers on the front end of a crank binge. And I was dead sober for most of that.

With online gambling, the fiddling is a little different. I'll log on to the site, go to the pending wagers page and repeatedly calculate what my total bankroll will be if certain wagers win or lose. Most times the mania is assuaged by the fact that at least half of my wagers come in. Other times, however, when the internet and the Bowl Championship Series decide to fuck me, I go on a mad dash through the potential wagers for all of the games remaining that day looking for one or two games on which I can make back the total sum of that day's losses. When I'm sober, those wagers tend to be more or less sane and involve teams I've actually heard of. When I'm half in the bag, I end up betting untoward sums of money on Haitian jai alai matches or, worse, like Wednesday night, the second half Over in the Indiana Pacers-Denver Nuggets game. Did you know Jermaine O'Neal and Marcus Camby were out for that game? I sure didn't and it certainly explains why they didn't come within 10 of the 2nd half total.

Welcome to Reckless Wagerville, population: Me.

By 10pm PST, the University of Texas was National Champion, the Pacers as a team in the second half had barely managed to eclipse Allen Iverson's points-per-game average, and I was much drunker and much, much poorer than I was 4 hours earlier. In an attempt to stop the hemorrhaging I ignored my asshole friends' advice to get up and go drinking and instead played $100 hands of internet blackjack, three at a time, until I lost close to $2000 against four consecutive unnatural blackjacks by the e-dealer. Anyone who has ever been to a casino and played blackjack for money knows that there is no worse feeling than pulling a 20 with the dealer showing a 6, only to have him flip over the down card to show a 5. They say only death and taxes are certain. Bullshit. Here comes the face card. Now imagine that feeling four times in a row.

It was at this point that I saw the wisdom in my friends' urgings. Accordingly, I walked up the street to the bar they were in and proceeded to throw crown-and-cokes into the hole in my face until the bartender was able to trick me into believing that a) they were out of Crown Royal and b) even if they weren't, it was 2am and time to leave. I think my friends were in on the ruse, because they kept apologizing to the bartender and telling me it was time to leave as well. Pussies.

The next thing I remember, I'm plopping myself into the recliner in my mother's living room with a bag full of Jack in the Box tacos. To be clear, I remember being home, not so much getting home. I'm unsure as to my method of conveyance and can only hope that I hired a homeless vagrant to drive me home in my mother's car and agree to find his own way back to Berkeley. I am slightly skeptical.

Annihilating my tacos and watching Law & Order on TNT, I decided to open my laptop and "read" my email. I say "read" because my powers of cognition were negligible by this point and I have absolutely no memory of checking my email. The only proof I have is a handful of emails that were marked as read but whose contents were completely alien when I read them the next afternoon.

At some point between Law & Order and being licked awake by my dog, I committed yet another heinously wasteful act. Apparently, I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to change the return flight on my frequent flyer ticket to one that left the following day on a different airline through a different city...in first class. Even better, I soon discovered--thanks to the Fraud Prevention Department at MBNA--I decided, HEY!, why not connect through Dallas and get on the flight my girlfriend is taking back to New Jersey so we can sit together...in first class?! This way, I can see her four hours earlier than I would have AND, as a University of Texas graduate, she gets to rub the salt of their victory into the wounds of my calamitous wagers. YAY FOR ME!!!

I got her back though. Not 20 minutes into the flight, I "accidentally" spilled Diet Dr. Pepper all over her crotch. Whoopsy. That's pretty even-steven, don't you think? Two ill-conceived wagers, one massively retarded wager, $2000 in internet blackjack, and god knows how much in first class airline tickets for a wet crotch. Winna Winna Winna.

Shoot me.

Posted by nils at 4:54 PM

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Comments

hey Drex I was wondering(and you'll probably hear this question more than a few times) if you mind sharing the total damage? My guess would be in the $4000 range? give or take?

Posted by: General_Ass at January 9, 2006 02:58 AM

From a man who has lost exaclty nine times consecutively when holding pocket kings on Texas Hold'em - though not considerable amount as yours - I share your pain.

P.S. Good to see you updating again. You've been missed.

Posted by: Deepinit at January 9, 2006 03:09 AM

Texas ML!! Hahahahhaha.

I'm sorry. That was way out of line. It's good to see you writing again.

Posted by: jahed at January 9, 2006 04:31 AM

Total Damage: ~ $4450
Total non-tuition financial aid for this semester: $8100
Total number of days into the semester: 1

Posted by: DrunkRex at January 9, 2006 06:20 AM

Glad to see you're a) alive and b) updating. 1L year sucks.

Posted by: Echo at January 10, 2006 12:26 AM

How the hell do you hemmorhage so much money and still buy food?

Posted by: Random Reader at January 10, 2006 05:32 PM

Total available for "double-up" trip to AC: $3650.

Posted by: quinton at January 12, 2006 12:57 PM

I think there's a way to turn this into a win-win for everyone. You keep posting, and I'll promise to click on every one of the ads on all your new posts. According to my calculations, you should make your four grand back in, what, 80 years?

I didn't say it was a GOOD plan.

Posted by: Ted at January 12, 2006 10:58 PM

great to see you posting again. please keep it up

Posted by: G at January 13, 2006 12:24 AM

Well, being that it's 10:30am and I am still awake in a strange city that I know nothing about and the dude I am staying with just dropped about $1000 on Internet Blackjack five minutes ago, I would say that this story hits pretty close to home. Post more shit, Drex! You might not think it's that interesting, but the funny can be found anywhere.

Posted by: Reddick at January 14, 2006 10:38 AM

The whole "Tucker Max" clique is a bunch of asskissing retards following a no talent hack.

Tucker Max- is quickly on his way to becoming a F-list has been. Odds of him even doing a pilot for a show are now 1000 to 1. Although he wont admit it.
Very big shit talker. Sassy.Like most shit talkers he cant back it up himself. He has to recruit an army of mindless retards eager to belong somewhere to do his bidding. Its no coincidence that many of his fans are or were in the military.
A word of Advice, Tucker, no ones gonna be interested in seeing a 35 year old acting like a spoiled, drunken frat boy. Good Luck in the Future.

TheBunny- dumb, masochistic,average looking dyke/bisexual.OOOOHHH!! How special!!! And how original. Im so interested in her vapid insights... What do ya know, she's a huge fan of Montell Jordan. Why does this not suprise me??
Maybe if I kiss enough ass, I can get a crack at her worn out cunt. Maybe she'll bring another average looking,stretched out cunt from the "Chicago Bomb Squad" and then we can have a mechanical 3-way, and feel "real cool"
Claim to fame: dated F-list celeb Tucker Max.
Can you get more pathetic??

Drunkasaurus Rex aka "DRex"- The stupid nickname should be an obvious warning sign to anyone.
"Douchebag Over Here!!"
Another Tucker Max idolizer/dicksucker/groupie this tool tries his best to imitate the talentless F-list hack in lifestyle,outlook and writing. And even though its hard to do, he manages to write worse than Tucker.

Posted by: JO MAMA at January 16, 2006 12:53 PM

Luke Heidelberger- Goober Extraordinaire. Had a pic of a girls ass and a bottle of crisco oil photoshopped next to it, as his icon.
"Up to the elbows" was his caption under the pic.
Need I say more?

Kung Fu Mike- Looks fairly tough in pics, but video shows otherwise.
Comes off as a short, immature, geeky,out of shape slacker with a bad haircut. His voice is unbeliveably nasal, and he is easily bullied by Tucker into starting fights he doesnt want.
To top it all off, he sees himself as some great comedic talent, when its obvious he is a mediocre, borderline hack that uses tired unoriginal cliches, such as dressing up as a retard. LOL! This guy just keeps the kneeslappers coming! Watch out Gallagher!!!
Yet his fan base in the Tucker Max community is widespread.
Hmmm. Makes you wonder...

Posted by: JO MAMA at January 17, 2006 12:06 AM

JO MAMA has some accurate points about Tucker and Bunny, but Drex has much more talent and is without question a better writer with a wider depth of topics than tucker or bunny.

Posted by: G at January 18, 2006 10:56 PM

I've lost games like the villanova game where they didnt score a fg for 12 min so i didnt cover when they were covering to the point i left and turned it off..lost basketball games by .5 cuz of three's getting chucked for a pointless basket..thats why everyone loses..surprisngly I managed to keep my head above water with some big wins

Posted by: Jameson at January 19, 2006 01:30 AM

Ok ill admit this is my first visit to Drex's blog.
But what about Heidelberger, is that guy a douchebag or what?

Posted by: JO MAMA at January 19, 2006 08:18 AM

I have no idea who Heidelberger is. Check out DREX's archives.. he writes on a number of topics, including the (popular) "I did something bad and funny" stories. However, he's also got a number of humorous observations and insight that leads me to believe he's a far better writer than tucker.

Posted by: G at January 19, 2006 02:20 PM

it's just a fucking shame that he doesn't write more often, and when he does these days it's a "I did something bad" story.

Posted by: G at January 19, 2006 02:22 PM

i have to say, after picking up my ribs and collecting them to my lowley B - law class; I laughed my ass off.

Posted by: bage at January 21, 2006 03:59 AM

Have a nice day

Posted by: penis enlargement at February 15, 2006 09:02 PM