Every July, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game capitalizes on a desolate sports landscape and descends upon a sports-parched populace. With the help of ESPN and FOX, MLB paints the weekend in grand historical strokes. Traditionalists feed into the hype machine, arguing that it's a celebration of Americana and the national pastime. They wax poetically about Fred Lynn's grand slam in 1983 and Reggie Jackson's moonshot at the old Tiger Stadium in 1971. They remind us that we should appreciate this weekend because it might be the last time in such a joyous and accessible atmosphere that we see some player who at this point in his career has no business being elected to another All-Star Game [I'm looking at you, Mike Piazza]. Is that really what All-Star Weekend is about though?

Consider these two facts: 1) the Home Run Derby gets more hype than the game itself. If I were to walk into any busy sports bar and ask 100 guys who hit 25 home runs in the first round of the Home Run Derby, I would be willing to bet at least 75 could tell me who it was.* If I were then to ask who started at 2nd base and shortstop for the American League, I'm pretty sure less than 1/3 that number could do it.**

2) The Old-Timers Game has been supplanted by legends&celebrity softball and a Futures Game. Does someone in the traditionalists' camp want to tell me what the fuck that's all about? As a baseball fan, I have no interest in watching the next Kevin Maas screw himself into the ground trying to hit the ball 600 feet nor do I care if the next young Frank Tanana can throw a ramrod straight fastball 101 mph.

And as neat as it might be to see Andre Dawson jack a softball 250 feet over the temporary outfield fence, I am willing to live without it if seeing it means I must also witness some dude from the cast of West Wing relive his childhood dreams from short leftfield by doubling off a girl at 2nd with a short-armed, dead duck throw after coming in on a bloop off the bat of a washed-up rap star.

Noooo, thank you.

In principle, I'm with the traditionalists on this one. All-Star weekend has the potential to be majestic and unforgettable. But in practice, Major League Baseball fails to deliver on the promise of the game at nearly every level. If any one of those old-schoolers thinks one iota of All-Star Weekend's potential has been realized since Chan Ho Park served up that made-for-TV gopher ball to Cal Ripken Jr. in 2001, then all I can really say is that he's been watching too much ESPN Classic or his name is Peter Gammons.

If you've watched it over the last few years, you know that MLB All-Star Weekend is nothing more than a circus of celebrity and gimmick. Other than the utter lack of discretion on the part of Miller-swilling troglodytes in Chicago and Boston, why else are we consistently subjected to the patchy chin stubble and snaggle-toothed grin of Nomar Garciaparra? Why else are we assaulted with awkward live shots of the cast of FOX's most recent mid-season replacement?

The answers to my rhetorical questions are painfully obvious. To buttress that assertion and to ward off the perception that I am old and still bitter over being tricked by friends into thinking I was drafted by the Cleveland Indians out of high school, I watched the game (a la the SportsGay) with my laptop open in front of me.

8:00EST: Leave it to FOX to lead off the midsummer classic with a trailer for Bad News Bears and an intro from that "couch"-fucking psycho Billy Bob Thornton. Yet another chapter in a long and storied history of corporate shillery during major American sporting events.

8:02: Jeannie Zelasko looks like a gigantic pumpkin. She's wearing a huge orange top that looks like a termite fumigation tent and makes her tits look enormous. Granted she's pregnant, but she still looks like a Dutch soccer blimp.

8:04: 1st Kenny Rogers camera-tipping clip? Check.

8:06: There are at least half a dozen people on cell phones behind Jeannie Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy. 6-to-5 and pick 'em says that each conversation went something like this:

Douche on Phone: Dude, I'm standing right behind the Fox pregame show! Turn the TV on!

Friend of Douche on Phone: I can't hear you, man. It's too loud.

Douche on Phone: Dude, can you see me? I'm the one in the background with the cellphone! Record it on the TiVo.

Friend of Douche on Phone: WAIT, WHAT!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Douche on Phone: RECORD IT...TIVO...ON TIVO! RECORD I-damn, dropped call.

8:09: Coming back from commercial, FOX airs a 2 minute retrospective on the career and legacy of Ernie Harwell (the voice of the Detroit Tigers) for the express purpose of pimping Detroit's rich baseball history and segueing to him on the field with the pregame show. What does PumpkinTits do? She asks him one question and cuts him off mid-sentence 20 seconds into his response. Are you kidding me?! The man's like 114 years old and he's being propped up by Kevin Kennedy so he doesn't fall into the first row of seats along the 3rd baseline. He's retiring at the end of the year as an irreplaceable baseball icon. For crissake, give the guy 90 seconds.

8:13: Harwell doesn't just get cut off, though. He gets cut off by Big Boobs Zelasko so she can throw it to a pre-taped clip of Smokey Robinson. Smokey Robinson's about as relevant as the telegraph and now he has dreadlocks and a botox-frozen face. He looks like a light-skinned Whoopi Goldberg from her Ted Danson dating days. Why are we listening to him speak?

8:16: Brian Fuentes of the Colorado Rockies is cross-eyed. Awesome. He looks like Jorge Posada's bastard cousin was hit over the head with an iron skillet like in Tom & Jerry cartoons.

8:17: Moises Alou is introduced and gives an open-handed wave directly into the camera. I'm sure all he meant to convey was "Hi everyone back home" but all I could think was "Look Mom, no piss on my hands"

8:18: Chad Cordero is cross-eyed too! He's chubby, gap-toothed, and cross-eyed. I don't understand how he could have accumulated 31 saves when he can't look you in the eye when you ask him a question.

8:21: Kenny "Buzz Lightyear" Rogers gets introduced and booed. Joe Buck pauses before the intro of the next player for those few extra seconds that allow the boos to go from uncomfortable to downright awkward. What a holier-than-thou cock.

8:23: Will David Eckstein ever not look like he's playing dress-up in daddy's closet? Yes Davey, we know: you're going to be a professional baseball player when you grow up. Now go clean your room and wash up for dinner.

8:25: Batting 6th from the Los Angeles Area A Few Miles Down the I-5 Angels of Anaheim Right Near Disneyland, Vladimir Guerrero. I love Vlad. Not only is he liable to swing at any pitch that's not either thrown directly at his head or into the first base dugout, but he runs the bases like he was put together with a mishmash of spare parts that don't quite match.

I really think he should have represented the Dominican Republic in the Homer Run Derby. After 9 years in the league, he still can't speak English and I wouldn't be surprised if he still wears Cold War hand-me-downs that washed ashore from capsized Cuban refugee rafts. You couldn't find a more authentically Dominican ball player if you let him play right field with a half-gallon milk carton fastened to his wrist.

8:37: Oh great, our first in what is sure to be a steady stream of close-up shots of Joe Buck in the booth as he blathers on about baseball history and managerial strategy. At what point is the director going to realize that he looks like Beeker from the Muppets and dial those shots back?

I mean, I'm as big a fan of Jim Henson as the next person, but I don't think I'm alone in my desire to see fewer shots of the person who will be the voice of the game over the next 3 hours when that person bears an uncanny resemblance to a foam puppet that only comes to life when a bearded 50yr old white man crouches under a table and shoves his hand up its ass.

8:38: Cut to Michael Chiklis. He's talking about "baseball machines" or some nonsense as the Fantastic Four trailer plays in the background. Whores.

8:42: MICHAEL RAPPAPORT HAS HIS OWN SHOW ON FOX!?! MICHAEL RAPPAPORT!? I quit.

8:45: Tim McCarver has just informed us, the viewing public, that Bobby Abreu hits with "the Midas touch" and has a light left-hand like a pianist's. I am almost positive that, while you and I watch hardcore porn when we want to jerk off, McCarver watches Baseball Tonight and reads Bill James articles. Mmmm, .204 batting average against in the second half. Ohhhhh yeah, stretch that double. Stretch it, Bobby, stretch it!

8:53: Alex Rodriguez is wearing white cleats with the white home uniform. No one wearing white cleats can be expected to do anything at the plate in an All-Star game.

8:54: A-Rod singles to left. Fag.

8:55: A-Rod goes to third on a hit-and-run single to right by David Ortiz. Ass-pirate.

9:06: Who is Anheuser-Busch trying to kid with these Budweiser Select ads? New Coke had a better chance at commercial legitimacy. Oooh, they use fresh hops in their beer! I suppose the other breweries use rotten, feces-infested cattle feed?

9:10: Another gem from McCarver--"the Oakland Athletics were interested in Tejada as a 14-year old but he was so frail they had to feed him for two years." I know that doesn't seem so noteworthy but if you heard him say it you would probably relate to the impression I had: McCarver sounded like a serial-killing veal rancher.

9:17: I think this might be a good point to advise parents against leaving their young children unattended when Kevin Kennedy is skulking around. His resemblance to Jeffrey Jones is too unsettling to dismiss.

9:20: Beltran hits a low, inside fastball from Bartolo Colon and reaches on a dribbler up the middle that is stabbed by Brian Roberts on the outfield grass behind second base. This apparently amazing sequence elicits this from McCarver:

"At the risk of sounding trite, this is why they are all-stars. First, how do you hit a pitch like that!? Then, how do you make a play like that!?"

I've watched a lot of baseball in my time and, ya know, I just don't get Tim McCarver sometimes. I remember him from his days on WWOR as the play-by-play guy for the Mets and he was actually good. Really good. He and Ralph Kiner and Rusty Staub were a great team even as Kiner began to lose his mind. But with FOX he's like a completely different person. I mean, the man played the most demanding position on the field for the better part of 20 years and now the minute someone makes a moderately difficult play he launches into an awe-filled soliloquy.

How does Beltran hit that pitch? Well first, he's a lefty facing a righty. Second, lefties love that pitch low and in. You watched the Home Run Derby last night. Didn't you detect a pattern with every pitch Abreu crushed? Most relevant though Tim-may, Beltran's A PROFESSIONAL FUCKING BASEBALL PLAYER! How'd he hit that pitch? IT'S HIS FUCKING JOB YOU BLATHERING MASTURBATOR!

Then you want to know how Roberts made that play? Well, he is a goddamn All-Star. This isn't White Men Can't Jump. It's not like he's some whiteboy in a goofy hat sitting behind the American League dugout waiting for Next in a pick-up game. Never mind the ball was hit slower than a crack-baby in a battle of wits.

I wonder how McCarver's wife handles these little episodes. If he ever broadcasts a game where something truly remarkable happens, I'd be worried his head might explode all over Beeker's suit.

9:35: Vlad gets sawed off on a fastball so far inside he has to pull his hands into his chest while he falls away just to make contact. The barrel of the bat flew into short left field. The ball dribbled to the edge of the infield grass at third for a routine 5-3 putout. I love Vlad.

9:37: I know FOX is a conservative network that errs on the side of caution wherever caution may be exercised, but is it really necessary to pick such bland, mellow songs for the background tracks as they go to and come back from commercial? At times it feels like FOX is disrupting a Lite Rock radio broadcast..

9:40: Here's that Budweiser Select ad again. Augustus Busch IV, you are no Pete Coors my friend. Pete wears wool-lined rancher jackets and treks through snow banks just to make sure we know his beer is brewed colder than any other. What the fuck do you do? Is your beer brewed at zero degrees Kelvin? I bet it's not. You probably have to pasteurize your beer during the brewing process in order to neutralize the bacteria in the camel urine and the rat feces from the rice silo.

10:01: Beltran strikes out by waving meekly at a Matt Clement breaking ball. Joe Buck tells us that Matt Clement "made Carlos Beltran look eeeasy." I'm sorry but his tone was just a bit too eager for my taste. You know he finished that thought with McCarver after they cut away. "He made Carlos Beltran look eeeeasy...and you should see him after a couple of Pina Coladas if ya know what I mean!"

10:09: Commercials during major sporting events on FOX are typically infuriating but you can always count on Nike to come up with something. This time it was an endearing little spot featuring a 10-year old Tiger Woods super-imposed over footage from his romp through the British Open a few years back. The clips are memorable, the backing tracks are cool, and they were even able to find film of young Tiger in his signature Sunday red. You have to give it to Nike's advertising agency. They know how to put together good ads with simple, effective messages. My favorite thing about this spot was young Tiger's resemblance to one of the Berenstein Bears.

10:14: Moises Alou, the Giants' lone representative, makes his first and probably only plate appearance. He draws a walk with a good eye on some tough pitches. I wonder if he pees in his eyes too.

10:18: Miguel Cabrera comes to the plate. He has the second most RBIs in the national league since 2003. An impressive stat on its own made more impressive by the fact that he is still 3 weeks away from celebrating his Quincenera.

10:24: Dontrelle Willis takes the mound for the National League. McCarver is in fine form describing D-Train. With a runner on first, Tim-may informs us that Dontrelle's signature herky-jerky motion is shorter and less exaggerated when he's in the stretch...WELL, NO SHIT! Is there anyone on the face of the earth who watches baseball and doesn't know that a pitcher's motion is considerably different when he's in the windup compared to when he's in the stretch? You mean with runners on base, he can't step back with his right foot and torque his body like a corkscrew? Well color me brown and call me a turd.

10:25: Not to be outdone...by himself...McCarver tells us that "there's just such personality that shines through by the way he wears his hat." Thanks Tim. Now why don't you tell us how well-spoken he is?

10:26: Texiera hits an opposite field homerun from the right side on a neck-high fastball from D-Train. Wow. That's some Eric Chavez/Gary Sheffield shit right there.

10:35: Kenny Rogers takes the mound for the American League and we cut to an extended shot in the booth so BuckCarver can pontificate on "the incident." Of course prior to the game, in all of its moral superiority, BuckCarver was of the mind that it was improper to allow Rogers to take part in the All-Star game--a "celebration of baseball" I think Buck called it. Thankfully, though, BuckCarver is a merciful deity and "softened" its stance after Rogers prostrated himself in front of the camera and fellated the media.

I'm sick of these self-entitled sports voyeurs who think they deserve some elevated degree of respect and consideration from players because they are able to string together 800 words every other day or because they can put on headphones and spit out timely stats handed to them by underpaid producers who do real work.

The man pushed a couple camera guys. He didn't beat the shit out of his wife in the parking lot of an Outback Steakhouse or shoot his pregnant baby mama and stuff her in the trunk. Plus, I think Rogers deserves a little more latitude than might other players. When I finally open the Mandibular Hall of Fame, he will go in as a member of the inaugural class along with that Moon Guy from the McDonald's commercials, Jay Leno, and Eric Stoltz' character from Mask.

10:39: McCarver marvels at the majesty of Andruw Jones' 2-run homer. He "uncoils like a cobra!" FOX shows a replay of the home run and, with the crack of the bat, McCarver lets out an orgasmic "uuunnnggghhh!" If McCarver were back in his hotel room rubbing one out, that would be the money shot and he would replay it over and over until he blew his load.

10:43: The Winan family sings God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch in all of their smooth R&B goodness. The camera pans both dugouts and settles on Aramis Ramirez. He has a HUGE cranium. His head looks like the bottom 2/3 of a snowman turned upside down. The only player with a more confounding head is Placido Polanco. Take a look at him without his hat on sometime. It's other-worldly.

10:46: Bad News Bears plug #2. Whores.

10:54: Moises Alou rips a double to left field. PEE HANDS LIVES!

10:55: Joe Buck gives a shout out to Napoleon Dynamite fans and mentions that Felipe Lopez is wearing a "Vote For Pedro" shirt under his jersey. Felipe Lopez is now officially my least favorite player in professional sports. Barry Bonds, Jeff Gordon, Kobe Bryant, Claude Lemieux, you're off the hook. Lopez singles to left center and Pedro sucks.

11:07: In a lull between pitches as the rain begins to fall, BuckCarver mentions that Jake Peavy has fifteen family members in attendance all the way up from Mobile, Alabama. Peavy told BuckCarver yesterday that since Mobile was being evacuated because of Hurricane Dennis anyway, the whole group just kept on heading north. I guess that's not such a hard thing to pull off when all you have to do is pull the F-150 off the cinderblocks and hook it up to the doublewide.

11:13: Eminem takes us to break with a little "My Name Is." I'd give FOX bonus points for that, but Em's from Detroit so they have a built in excuse for using that song. If they come back from commercial with "Put It In Your Mouth," I will reconsider my position.

11:15: No such luck. Instead we get Sounds of the Game. I'm okay with that. Jimmy Rollins says something funny in an exchange with Luis Castillo and McCarver calls him "a beauty." I'm not okay with that.

11:20: B.J. Ryan comes in for the American League in the top of the 9th. Twice in a span of 30 seconds Buck over-annunciates the "B" in BeeeJ. There's no way Buck and McCarver don't share more than a booth.

11:25: Mariano Rivera comes in with 2 out in the 9th despite Joe Torre's stated desire that he not be used by Francona. If there is justice in this world, he will get shelled, blow out an elbow, and contract viral meningitis.

11:26: I was right. Justice is a myth. 3 fastballs, 3 swinging strikes, ballgame. AL 7, NL 5.

11:29: Miguel Tejada wins MVP for his cannon shot in the 2nd inning and the two double plays he turned with Roberts. Miggy will always have a place in my heart for his role on the 2001-2003 Oakland A's and for his inability to pronounce English words that end with a hard consonant.

11:30: Chevrolet just gave Tejada a yellow 2005 Corvette convertible. That's pretty fucking cool. I think it tops out at like 205 mph. I wonder how many of his family members he can fit in it if he turns it into a raft?

11:36: Kevin Kennedy interviews Texiera about his tomahawk homerun to wrap-up the telecast. Buck sends it to commercial as Madonna's "Lucky Star" plays behind him. . Will someone please tell that affected, gap-toothed Kabbalahista that she's a greaseball from Michigan, not landed aristocracy from the English countryside? I don't think she could be any more objectionable if she were to join an Al Qaeda terror cell.

Not surprisingly, there were no surprises in this year's Midsummer Classic. There was pageantry and excess. There was funky camera angles, tangential feature stories, a Stealth Bomber, and a large, gospel-singing black family. The game itself wasn't half bad but it certainly wasn't noteworthy. With the exception of that debacle in Milwaukee two years ago, it usually never is.. At least we can all sleep comfortably knowing that Bad News Bears, Fantastic Four, and Wedding Crashers will be coming to theaters near us.

*In case you were lost at sea during the month of July, the answer is Bobby Abreu

**Brian Roberts and Miguel Tejada.

Posted by nils at 11:19 AM

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