The Thrill is Gone: Day 2 - January 22, 2006

Everyone who has commented about her reaction to the "Fuck You" is probably 100% correct. If that comment elicits this kind of severe, cut-and-run, long term reaction (or is the tipping point at least), then the whole relationship was probably doomed from the beginning in that I just wasn't going to cut it with her. That is a very sharp-edged pill to swallow.

I'm still very confused as to what precisely happened in her head or her heart. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't really know either, but that doesn't mean I still don't want to know. I was talking to my friend James about that point this afternoon. He knows both of us pretty well and he made a very simple point that was almost startling. He said, "it doesn't matter what her reason was or what you did. It's not about that. The bottom line is that she just doesn't like you enough."

I was unaware there were things on this earth that could, at one time, make you both sick to your stomach and refreshingly relieved. I guess a really big post-Guinness, post-2am Mexican fast food early morning shit attack might fall into that category, but that's for another time...probably this coming Saturday.

James and I were walking to get wings for dinner when he dropped that bomb on me. I walked in silence for a good 60 seconds letting it work its way into my cluttered, spinning brain. He was right. If something like a "Fuck You" in the frustrated heat of an argument--of which we only had 3 in the course of our relationship--then the issue isn't that I irreparably breached all manner of social, interpersonal convention; it's that she just doesn't like me enough to get over it.

Who would have thought something like that could make you feel relieved? My brain can't accept that she fell out of love with me because I said something stupid and mean 2 months ago for which she has forgiven me. My heart can't accept that she's the type of woman to give up all hope and raise the emotional drawbridge based on one regrettable incident. What they can both come to terms with, however, is that none of this other stuff is really relevant because, in the final analysis, she just doesn't like me enough to put herself out there and get past it.

I can live with that. After all, there are 6 billion people on this planet. Granted many of them shit in a hole 3 feet from where they cook and sleep, but that's not the point. The point is that the vast majority of relationships end. They fail with varying degrees of spectacularity and most often it's because one person just doesn't like the other enough to get past whatever it is they are billing as the reason for the break-up.

There are limits to this concept, of course. You can love somebody to the core of your being, but if you come home from work one day to find your significant other in the kitchen dismembering your mother's lifeless body so s/he can get to the chinchilla s/he shoved up your mother's ass during foreplay, I think it's safe to call it a day.

Freshly dumped people would be very well-served to take what James said to heart. In the end it's not about the snoring, or the dirty clothes on the floor, or the extra 10 pounds, or the busy work schedule, or the politics. It's simply that they just don't like you enough at this point to get past those things. In the beginning it won't provide much solace since, as the person being broken up with, your ego has been bruised. But after a day or two, if you embrace that idea it will answer all those unresolved questions that torment you as they bounce around your head like so many superballs.

Why can't she forgive the "fuck you"? Why won't she give us a second chance? What can I do to fix things...make them better like before the "fuck you"? There won't be any satisfactory answer to those questions. Shit, she probably doesn't have an answer for herself. That shouldn't surprise you if you can understand that her reaction to the incident is really just symptomatic of a deeper condition: she just doesn't like me enough to get past it.

I sent my girlfiend...ex-girlfriend...an email asking those questions in a slightly more composed fashion. After talking to James it doesn't really matter how she responds because the underlying truth is still the same. I'm going to tell her that too. It'll be interesting to see how she responds because it may compel her to reckon with the idea that it wasn't really something I did or something about me specifically, it was about what was inside her with respect to me and her as a unit. Talk about flipping the script. We'll see how that goes...

Posted by nils at 5:56 PM

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Comments

Still making it all your fault...It's not. You weren't the one in a relationship you weren't ready for. Don't put her on a pedestal.

Posted by: Anonymous at January 22, 2006 07:10 PM

I'm not making it my fault. I'm not blaming myself for anything. I'm saying it's what's inside HER (or not inside as the case may be) that is primarily responsible for the end of the relationship. To be sure, I'm not placing blame (per se) at her feet just as I am not assuming blame.

It sort of sounds like a copout, I know. Blaming the confluence of circumstances outside our control, blah blah blah.

Maybe it's simply that we are not right for each other and she was just the first to see it, admit it to herself, and do something about it.

Or maybe it was too early to say anything definitively about 'right' and 'not right' and she just didn't like me enough to work the rough spots and find out. Either way, believe me, I'm not taking the blame for that being the case...I don't think.

Posted by: DrunkRex at January 22, 2006 08:05 PM

Your buddy James is right. I can't think of one single relationship that I ended that wasn't for that very same reason.

Posted by: jbs at January 22, 2006 08:19 PM

It's just that I went through something like this recently and I wasted alot of time trying to figure out what I could fix because I think I can fix anything.

"She didn't like me enough" sounds like you're making her feelings the standard by which you're measuring the relationship. And as a result you're not being fair to yourself. It's not a copout to blame circumstances. It also doesn't make it hurt any less.

Apologies if I'm projecting on to you. Take it as a compliment as a writer that I relate to what you're saying.

Posted by: lr at January 22, 2006 08:47 PM

I wish that I had heard James' advice 8 months ago. Something I will keep in mind in the future.

Posted by: G at January 22, 2006 10:44 PM

what if she's not evolved / self-aware enough as a person to understand that everyone makes mistakes? It takes 2 to argue - don't tell me she didn't say some bad things also.

I'm inclined to forgive other people precisely because the first thing out of my mouth is rarely what I want it to be.

If this girl expects other people to forgive her but hasn't learned how to do the same.. well.. she will have the same problem with every date until she realizes that nobody's perfect.

As with every relationship that ends... she did you a favor. Take advantage of it and move on.

Posted by: me at January 22, 2006 11:27 PM

Judging from your writing, it seems like you have made more progress in accepting what happened and understanding it in a day than most people make in weeks. However small a solace it is, theres something to be said for that.

Posted by: valeo at January 22, 2006 11:45 PM

I thought James was a haughty bitch?

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 02:05 AM

"It's not you, it's me."

This is what she's saying, but maybe she doesn't recognize it. She's found something that she can't get over, and apparently she tried for 2 months, therefore you have to accept it.

I want to give her credit for being an honest person (to herself and you) if the 'Fuck You' was really the deal breaker. You're intelligent, give her time to sort out her feelings, too. Don't spar with her verbally, because we all know that you'll win, but being cruel will not make you feel any better.

I know it still hurts to be dumped, for whatever reason, but the fact that you feel emotional pain shows that you're human. You can heal. Move on. Maybe this will help her move on and get over her hang-up with verbal language. It's irrelevant.

(Personally, I would have been creeped out when you impulsively changed your flight after Christmas just so you could fly back to NJ together.)

But, hey dude! Yay! You're writing again!

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 05:21 AM

Anyone who reads your rambling post can come to 2 obvious conclusions by the time they reach the end. You are a jerk, and completely self absorbed. Of course so are 95% of guys your age, so it's really no biggie. If you put half the thought of "how could I have made the relationship better" that you put into "why can't she forgive me", she would probably be sitting on your face right now.

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 07:13 AM

"If you put half the thought of 'how could I have made the relationship better" that you put into "why can't she forgive me,' she would probably be sitting on your face right now."

If you think I didn't mull that exact thought over and over in my head, you're insane. I am fully aware of my role in the demise of this relationship. I know what I could have done, unfortunately the genie's out of the bottle and, according to her, it just can't be put back in. And if you've read anything I said in the previous post you would know that she has forgiven me. That's part of the trickiness in this situation. She's forgiven me but that forgiveness hasn't come with a clean slate or a get out of jail free card.

Lastly, if you knew anything about how I treated this girl or how I've treated any of the women in my life you would know that your "2 obvious conclusions" are so incredibly wrong that they can only have been derived from whatever preconceptions and bitter personal history is floating around your past.

Posted by: DrunkRex at January 23, 2006 08:33 AM

Its good that you had someone to tell you that it was her issue, not yours, that caused the end of that relationship. Thats going to save you a lot of pain and suffering. Telling someone to 'Fuck off' or 'Fuck you' when your fighting is a lame ass excuse for not being with someone. Im not saying that its cool to do, but c'mon, are we in middle school here? If she wasnt adult enough to deal with that, then how's she going to be when things get really tough? It was an excuse. Ive used lame stuff like that to end relationships with a guy I wasnt into anymore. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. A women will forgive almost anything if she really wants to be with a guy. So its definitly not your fault. She just wasnt that into you.

Posted by: Andrea at January 23, 2006 11:32 AM

I'll bet this was long distance.

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 01:26 PM

I just want to know if your friend James is a haughty little bitch who wears a caoe...

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 01:53 PM

Your writing is always best when you insert a degree of emotion and give the reader a glimpse into the depth of thought lying behind a sometimes tough exterior. Although this and the last entry are somewhat disjointed and rambling they reflect the rollercoaster you're likely on. Keep up with the great writing, I look forward to more entries.

Posted by: Jen S at January 23, 2006 01:54 PM

cape, not caoe...

Posted by: Anonymous at January 23, 2006 01:54 PM

Yo, Rex, sorry to hear about the pain, man. But I think what your buddy was trying to get across to you is that the bottom line is that she just doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't MATTER why she's ending it; whether the "Fuck you" was a factor is inconsequential. It's over, plain and simple, and writing her e-mails to ask about her motivations only serves to make you look needy. I'm not knocking you, man; that's just the way it is. All the "But why?" stuff has never gotten anyone a satisfactory answer. Never. Not once.
If your lady were really willing to be honest, a question like this might help you put your mind to rest. But as it stands now, she's absolutely not being honest. "I love everything about you, but I just don't want to be with you," is some old bullshit. It's literally not possible. This is a patently simple answer for when you want to break up with someone without hurting their feelings ... or at least making yourself feel like you're not hurting their feelings. (Also, in my experience, these sudden breakups are a sign that the break-upper is already cheating on the break-upee, or just has someone in mind that they want to start seeing. Again, sorry, but I'm coming from experience here--from both sides. If your new ex isn't seeing some other dude within a month, I'll eat my hat. And if it's not some dude who's already in her life as a "friend," I'll eat my ass.)
Bottom line, homey, is that the thrill is gone. For whatever reason. It sucks now, but in pretty short order you'll be back in the saddle. Just don't beat yourself up about what you could've done or should've done, and keep up the writing. Good luck.

Posted by: DA at January 23, 2006 01:57 PM

DA, you are right about her probably just not wanting to hurt my feelings. You are wrong about the cheating. I know how that sounds, believe me. But I spent nearly all of everyday with this girl and if there is one thing I can say unequivocally about her is that she is honest (maybe not to herself, but always to others). Cheating is not her style and even if it were she would never have had the time considering her schedule and the amount of time we spent together. On the off chance that she is cheating, I can guarantee it's not with anyone who is already a friend in her life. She's in a new place and I am her only real male friend. Her male acquaintances and the ones who, at some point, were crushing on her are all scared of me.

This is a very strong-willed 27yr old woman, not a vapid 22yr old college whore.

I appreciate the general tenor of your comments though. They are well-received and generally well-founded.

Posted by: DrunkRex at January 23, 2006 02:20 PM

could say the same thing as the rest of these people , but im sure your getting sick of the sympathy and rightly so. If you dont think its another guy and you gave good reasons for why it isnt or might not be, i dont think anyone considered that it could be another girl, i dated a bi-sexual withot knowing it cause who sees that one coming. Just raising a point of question, im sure this will be jumped upon in on time.

Posted by: D-rail at January 24, 2006 01:14 PM

I, too, have had my heart ripped out of my chest by someone I loved. Perhaps everyone should at one time in their lives. It's quite the growing experience. I also came quite easily to the conclusion that "I guess he just didn't like me enough". The question that followed, however, was less easy to come to terms with...WHY didn't he like me enough? what was wrong with ME? That one takes a while. Especially when, in a relationship where I was madly and passionately in love I tried to be better than with anyone else at any other time. Yet, it wasn't good enough. Ask James for me. WHY didn't he like me enough? (yeah, it's still a little "fresh")

Posted by: Anonymous at January 25, 2006 09:07 AM

From my female perspective, the impact the "Fuck You" would have had (if it was in fact a true factor in the break up) would have been her realization that she was with someone who could feel that much rage towards her, or could get to a point where they would say "Fuck You" and absolutely mean it.

I agree with the other comments and with James' advice in that she simply doesn't want to be in the relationship enough to make it work, and could very possibly in her mind be using the "Fuck You" as a partial reason for this (even though in reality and the grand scheme of the relationship I'm sure that comment was somewhat insignificant). When you know in your subconcious you don't want to be part of something, you always find reasons to back up that conclusion.

Sorry to hear about your break-up.

Posted by: feilong at February 1, 2006 02:57 PM