A couple months ago my friend Will was in town for the weekend and staying at my place. That Saturday morning, after a pretty rigorous night of partying, I came out into the living room to find Will on the couch watching porn on the XBox. The only thing that could have been more disturbing was if he was jerking off when I walked in...and I'm sure that was only a matter of time. I registered my disgust audibly and it was met with laughter and a shit-eating grin. Will knows I don't like porn (the .avi files he was watching belonged to my roommate who, along with his girlfriend, are...how shall I say...connoisseurs), so being the antagonistic prick he is, he likes to put it on whenever he has the opportunity. I contend that porn is boring and superficial. Will argues that it is art. Wait, what? Yep, art. This conversation was going to be fun.

Over the next hour or so, Will tried to convince me that anything that is not a naturally occurring phenomenon should be considered art or, at the very least, an art form. Bridges, macaroni and cheese, highway overpasses, motor home bathrooms, corn dogs at the Texas State Fair (that one was mine). We went through a litany of thing many of which I granted him either on the merits or for the sake of comedy. I had to draw the line, however, at pornography.

Drunk: Porn is NOT a legitimate art form, Will! It's the holding pen for the cocaine-addicted incest survivors of this country. I'm convinced porn is a secret government program meant to keep all these miscreants in one place.

W: One place? You do realize that not all porn stars know each other or live together?

Drunk: Sure they do. It's called Van Nuys. These people fuck first and foremost for money dude, and that makes porn ineligible for the classification of art or art form.

W: Nils, for a smart kid you sure can be close-minded. Art is about personal individual expression. It's not about convention or standards of normalcy or the perceptions of the audience. Just because they fuck for money does not mean what they create is not beautiful or meaningful.

Drunk: Thank you, Eve Ensler. Are you done with your little vagina monologue? Can we go get some fucking breakfast please? I'm fucking starving.

W: Dude, you know what I mean. Porn at its very basic level is the artistic expression of personal sexuality.

Drunk: WILL! THAT GUY JUST SHOVED HIS WHOLE HAND IN THAT GIRLS PUSSY! That is NOT art.

W: Okay, maybe that part isn't art. But the dialogue in this picture is top-shelf. I know that's what drew me to the Anal Spelunkers series.

Drunk: No, what drew you to it was the fact that you're a sexual fucking deviant.

W: Now that was just mean. It's not my problem that my artistic sensibilities are more cultivated than your own. And honestly, I'm not going to take criticism about art from someone who still covers his bedroom walls with signs he's stolen from campus construction sites.

Drunk: Shut the fuck up dude. Just finish your movie so we can go. Woud you like some privacy Larry Flint? The Jergens lotion and toilet paper are where they usually are--under your fucking pillow.

W: Nah, I'm fine. I'll just use your couch cushions.

Drunk: You're such a dick.

W: Don't worry dude. I'll flip 'em over when I'm done.

Posted by nils at 8:29 PM

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